![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
1 comment | Leave a comment
Hey there Delilah...
I know times are getting hard.
04 September 2007 @ 10:31 pm
It's almost 11PM, and I'm in David's dorm. Third night in a row. No sex, just... fun? Anime, computer games, D & D/Magic talk, books, warmth, and now pizza. I love living somewhere that delivery is available. I love being here. I had dinner with the freshmen D & D campaign tonight, for the second night in a row. My psych class was wonderful. The weather has been beautiful today. Even the classes aren't bad.
If this is college, I like it.
If this is college, I like it.
04 September 2007 @ 06:13 pm
My MySpace account got purged, and I can't remember who the fuck was on my friends list... I'm too tired. If you were on the list, or want to be, just go add me. I don't have the time for this right now. My display name is Laney Undead, as always, so you can search me under that.
Fuck.
Fuck.
04 September 2007 @ 12:07 am
Funny how we humans work.
Everyday, I pick up the dark arts just a little more. I wonder how much of me will remain intact? No better weapon than a sharp edged tongue, I do believe.
Everyday, I pick up the dark arts just a little more. I wonder how much of me will remain intact? No better weapon than a sharp edged tongue, I do believe.
03 September 2007 @ 08:18 am
So, really, this is fantastic. I am not at odds with everything, finally. As much as I don't enjoy the idea of being medicated, this past week has been the first in six or so years that I have woken up, and been okay with it. The world may still be daunting, but I'm not completely disabled at the very thought of joining it.
I moved into the dorms on Friday, and though the girls on my floor seem to share a collective braincell, I'm not particularly perturbed by them. A few of them are actually pretty sweet, and in any case, most of my time has been spent in someone else's dorm room.
On that note, yes, I've finally found the perfect D & D guy. My dreams have been fulfilled, hah.
Everything is going well. I hope everyone had a nice weekend.
Also, Diana, I adore you... I'm really keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
I moved into the dorms on Friday, and though the girls on my floor seem to share a collective braincell, I'm not particularly perturbed by them. A few of them are actually pretty sweet, and in any case, most of my time has been spent in someone else's dorm room.
On that note, yes, I've finally found the perfect D & D guy. My dreams have been fulfilled, hah.
Everything is going well. I hope everyone had a nice weekend.
Also, Diana, I adore you... I'm really keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
02 September 2007 @ 12:21 pm
Everyone who has decided they hate me can go fuck themselves. Really. I actually like my life, for the first time basically ever.
Narcissus, you are a monster and you will never be anything but that--though really, you're a monster on the surface, and a child inside. Unfortunately, it seems you will never grow up... And I'm 18; I don't want kids. Live your life however you please, because it is my choice to no longer be in it. And as for that tremble? You're right. It wasn't fear, though, dear. It was rage. I despise everything that you have revealed in yourself. Enjoy these few years you have left, because as far as I'm concerned, you are dead already. Thanks for the ride, though. It was nice to get a glimpse of what's lurking in the flames.
Narcissus, you are a monster and you will never be anything but that--though really, you're a monster on the surface, and a child inside. Unfortunately, it seems you will never grow up... And I'm 18; I don't want kids. Live your life however you please, because it is my choice to no longer be in it. And as for that tremble? You're right. It wasn't fear, though, dear. It was rage. I despise everything that you have revealed in yourself. Enjoy these few years you have left, because as far as I'm concerned, you are dead already. Thanks for the ride, though. It was nice to get a glimpse of what's lurking in the flames.
31 August 2007 @ 11:06 pm
I am moved in. My roommate's something of a retarded alcoholic, but she doesn't have brains enough to be anything but sweet.
In other news, Macy's has offered me the position, as long as the Estee Lauder Rep who's phone interviewing me on Tuesday, approves.
There are distinguished citizens in our midst, apparently.
Someone should call mefor phone sex.
I like this new boy.
In other news, Macy's has offered me the position, as long as the Estee Lauder Rep who's phone interviewing me on Tuesday, approves.
There are distinguished citizens in our midst, apparently.
Someone should call me
I like this new boy.
31 August 2007 @ 12:06 am
Today was pretty goddamn great. Rarity, haha.
1. My textbooks arrived, finally.
2. I had my second of four interviews with Macy's, part of the process to get a job working at the Estee Lauder counter. Tomorrow, I have an interview with the district manager, and then an interview with an Estee Lauder Rep, if the DM likes me. If the ELR likes me, I get hired and sent to Boston for the fall training seminar, and then yay, I work for Macy's/Estee Lauder.
3. Finally manged to talk to both Lisa AND Celine--together! I figured out how to make three way calling on my phone work, finally.
4. Best part. I had a pseudo-date-thing with a guy going to Champlain, it it was fantastic. We spent three or four hours sitting on a bench at the end of Church Street, people watching and talking. Eventually that progressed to touching because we were both, "really cold." I thought about kissing him for a while, but then I realized--maybe for the first time--that there was no need to rush things. I just got to enjoy it, without any pressure or worries, and I had a really great time. We're hanging out tomorrow night, as neither of us wants to go on the stupid orientation cruise, and watching anime. Hah, yeah...
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!
1. My textbooks arrived, finally.
2. I had my second of four interviews with Macy's, part of the process to get a job working at the Estee Lauder counter. Tomorrow, I have an interview with the district manager, and then an interview with an Estee Lauder Rep, if the DM likes me. If the ELR likes me, I get hired and sent to Boston for the fall training seminar, and then yay, I work for Macy's/Estee Lauder.
3. Finally manged to talk to both Lisa AND Celine--together! I figured out how to make three way calling on my phone work, finally.
4. Best part. I had a pseudo-date-thing with a guy going to Champlain, it it was fantastic. We spent three or four hours sitting on a bench at the end of Church Street, people watching and talking. Eventually that progressed to touching because we were both, "really cold." I thought about kissing him for a while, but then I realized--maybe for the first time--that there was no need to rush things. I just got to enjoy it, without any pressure or worries, and I had a really great time. We're hanging out tomorrow night, as neither of us wants to go on the stupid orientation cruise, and watching anime. Hah, yeah...
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!
29 August 2007 @ 01:50 am
Purchases in the last four days... Vaguely for my own reference, also for the makeup addicts on my friends list.
Almay Smart Shade Blush in Pink/Rose
Bedhead Superstar Shampoo for Massive Hair
Bedhead Superstar Conditioner for Massive Hair
Bedhead Superstar Blowdry Lotion for Massive Hair
Bedhead Hard Head Mohawk Gel
Bliss Serious Seaweed Soap
Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey
Hard Candy Eyeshadow in Snowcone
L'Oreal Lipcolor in Hibiscus
MAC Non-Conformist Fluidliner
MAC Blacktrack Fluidliner
MAC Graphblack Technakohl Liner
MAC Blue Storm Eyeshadow
MAC Thunder Eyeshadow
MAC Knight Devine Eyeshadow
MAC Burnin' Lipstick
MAC Blot Film
MAC NC15 Foundation
MAC NC15 Concealer
Maybelline Lipstick in Candied Apple
Maybelline Lipstick in Wine on Ice
NARS The Multiple in Riviera
NYC Lashes in Double Cross 972B
NYC Lashes 973A
Ojon Restorative Hair Treatment
Philosophy Apple Shower Scrub
Philosophy Kiss Me Exfoliating Lip Scrub
POP Bluschcake in Pretty in Pink
Sephora Glitter Eyeliner in Metal Electro
Sephora Mono Strass Eyeshadow in Strass No. 2
Sephora Lashes in Flair
Too Faced Metallic Liner in Turquoise Tinsel
Urban Decay Liquid Metal Liner in Mercury
Urban Decay Afterglow Blush in Quickie
Urban Decay Eyeshadow Transforming Potion
Urban Decay Deluxe Eyeshadow in Graffiti
Urban Decay Deluxe Eyeshadow in Heat
Urban Decay Delux Eyeshadow in Ransom
On a related note, I'm pursuing a position as an Avon Representative. Yes, Julian, I am seven hundred years old.
Almay Smart Shade Blush in Pink/Rose
Bedhead Superstar Shampoo for Massive Hair
Bedhead Superstar Conditioner for Massive Hair
Bedhead Superstar Blowdry Lotion for Massive Hair
Bedhead Hard Head Mohawk Gel
Bliss Serious Seaweed Soap
Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey
Hard Candy Eyeshadow in Snowcone
L'Oreal Lipcolor in Hibiscus
MAC Non-Conformist Fluidliner
MAC Blacktrack Fluidliner
MAC Graphblack Technakohl Liner
MAC Blue Storm Eyeshadow
MAC Thunder Eyeshadow
MAC Knight Devine Eyeshadow
MAC Burnin' Lipstick
MAC Blot Film
MAC NC15 Foundation
MAC NC15 Concealer
Maybelline Lipstick in Candied Apple
Maybelline Lipstick in Wine on Ice
NARS The Multiple in Riviera
NYC Lashes in Double Cross 972B
NYC Lashes 973A
Ojon Restorative Hair Treatment
Philosophy Apple Shower Scrub
Philosophy Kiss Me Exfoliating Lip Scrub
POP Bluschcake in Pretty in Pink
Sephora Glitter Eyeliner in Metal Electro
Sephora Mono Strass Eyeshadow in Strass No. 2
Sephora Lashes in Flair
Too Faced Metallic Liner in Turquoise Tinsel
Urban Decay Liquid Metal Liner in Mercury
Urban Decay Afterglow Blush in Quickie
Urban Decay Eyeshadow Transforming Potion
Urban Decay Deluxe Eyeshadow in Graffiti
Urban Decay Deluxe Eyeshadow in Heat
Urban Decay Delux Eyeshadow in Ransom
On a related note, I'm pursuing a position as an Avon Representative. Yes, Julian, I am seven hundred years old.
28 August 2007 @ 02:21 am
What I do now is no different than what I did before--not because I consider the circumstances the same, but because this is how I am. Of course, there are lingering moments, but there is nothing desired any longer. Masks have slipped and shattered; what's left is a monster too offensive to hold itself at night, much less bask in the warmth of a beating heart. Regardless, it's simply in my nature to care. I am the sort of person who makes the chicken soup, kisses the skinned knees, listens to the endless tears.
I care because I do, not because I want. While I might be in the minority, that doesn't make my position less valid. Martyrdom isn't quite as dead as chivalry, and while I won't call myself either, it is occasionally in the human nature to love selflessly, without expecting in return. I don't expect anything. I never did. I'm not less intelligent or inferior for that; it's not that I'm blind to the treachery of the immortal soul. I know, often far better than those around me, the cruelty of cutting tongues and lying lips. Really, how could I not, with such careful teachers?
In any case, don't put words in my mouth, or crosses 'bove my head. My actions rarely have the motives guessed behind them. Those that I count as friends are those that I feel compelled to take care of; free of fees. I will not lay down and beg to be stepped upon any longer, but that doesn't mean I will resign to loathing as a means of comfort. That, I believe, is the most puerile course of all. Easiest, as well. Feigning effort, forcing failure, then declaring defeat and prostrating in self imposed misery is nothing mere than a play in attempts to reach the desired end while insisting innocence. It's a thinly veiled charade, and reeks of childish airs.
I am nothing, I am everything, I am me, I am.
I care because I do, not because I want. While I might be in the minority, that doesn't make my position less valid. Martyrdom isn't quite as dead as chivalry, and while I won't call myself either, it is occasionally in the human nature to love selflessly, without expecting in return. I don't expect anything. I never did. I'm not less intelligent or inferior for that; it's not that I'm blind to the treachery of the immortal soul. I know, often far better than those around me, the cruelty of cutting tongues and lying lips. Really, how could I not, with such careful teachers?
In any case, don't put words in my mouth, or crosses 'bove my head. My actions rarely have the motives guessed behind them. Those that I count as friends are those that I feel compelled to take care of; free of fees. I will not lay down and beg to be stepped upon any longer, but that doesn't mean I will resign to loathing as a means of comfort. That, I believe, is the most puerile course of all. Easiest, as well. Feigning effort, forcing failure, then declaring defeat and prostrating in self imposed misery is nothing mere than a play in attempts to reach the desired end while insisting innocence. It's a thinly veiled charade, and reeks of childish airs.
I am nothing, I am everything, I am me, I am.
27 August 2007 @ 01:26 am
Spending money I don't have on things I don't need to fix problems I'm not facing.
Thankfully I've got my trio of cheerleaders: Lorazepam, Citalopram, Trazodone. Go, team!
Yeah, clearly not helping. I wouldn't be quite so bitter and tear-prone if they were, right?
That's what they tell me. For once, "they," is not the voices in my head.
I move into the new dorm on Friday.
Your face is everywhere.
I've already made friends through the utilization of facebook.
I miss your voice.
I have a stack of glossy new books.
Why aren't you holding me?
A good friend of mine is an orientation leader.
I want to touch your hair.
I have a fantastic class schedule.
Don't leave, don't leave, please don't leave.
Things are going to be okay.
Don't go.
Higher and higher and higher and higher doses.
More and more and more and more reckless spending.
Les and less and less and less reasons.
Thankfully I've got my trio of cheerleaders: Lorazepam, Citalopram, Trazodone. Go, team!
Yeah, clearly not helping. I wouldn't be quite so bitter and tear-prone if they were, right?
That's what they tell me. For once, "they," is not the voices in my head.
I move into the new dorm on Friday.
Your face is everywhere.
I've already made friends through the utilization of facebook.
I miss your voice.
I have a stack of glossy new books.
Why aren't you holding me?
A good friend of mine is an orientation leader.
I want to touch your hair.
I have a fantastic class schedule.
Don't leave, don't leave, please don't leave.
Things are going to be okay.
Don't go.
Higher and higher and higher and higher doses.
More and more and more and more reckless spending.
Les and less and less and less reasons.
21 August 2007 @ 11:04 pm
I'm guessing it's about time I make some sort of update for the adoring public...
So, where as it that you've been, my darling doppelgangers? Whose lipstick is it, smudged so subtly across the crease of your collar? The scent, that which clings so softly to your skin? Have you been having fun, my naughty children, making Mother proud? Or, has it perchance only been that you've been causing trouble for the skies again, stealing stars from wherest you came? Ah, for shame.
Ignore the circumstances, I must insist. A storm; it brews heavily just beyond the veil, and Dearest, this might be the very last your eyes doth shine against. Take heed, the crimson from mine lips-from lungs-it speaks verily of trouble. Whilst metal might be a quick reprieve, take heart that even the most gleaming bone, and sharpest w[h]it... In end, all fails. All fails.
I see, my love, that those nails are bitten to the quick. Perhaps only in spirit, in essence, but nonetheless. Watch the divinity of each step, lest you fall through gaps waiting unforseen... Or, perhaps worse, spring the traps you've so carefully woven with those slender fingers and dark-rimmed eyes. It's the heart that bites the hardest, I do believe.
Really, now, little ones: Heed my advice. Mother knows best, whether or not you're willing to believe. There will always be greener grass, yet now there are darker skies. The darkest, my Darlings. Cling close to this cloak, lest lightning strike in multiples. Promises are only words.
So, where as it that you've been, my darling doppelgangers? Whose lipstick is it, smudged so subtly across the crease of your collar? The scent, that which clings so softly to your skin? Have you been having fun, my naughty children, making Mother proud? Or, has it perchance only been that you've been causing trouble for the skies again, stealing stars from wherest you came? Ah, for shame.
Ignore the circumstances, I must insist. A storm; it brews heavily just beyond the veil, and Dearest, this might be the very last your eyes doth shine against. Take heed, the crimson from mine lips-from lungs-it speaks verily of trouble. Whilst metal might be a quick reprieve, take heart that even the most gleaming bone, and sharpest w[h]it... In end, all fails. All fails.
I see, my love, that those nails are bitten to the quick. Perhaps only in spirit, in essence, but nonetheless. Watch the divinity of each step, lest you fall through gaps waiting unforseen... Or, perhaps worse, spring the traps you've so carefully woven with those slender fingers and dark-rimmed eyes. It's the heart that bites the hardest, I do believe.
Really, now, little ones: Heed my advice. Mother knows best, whether or not you're willing to believe. There will always be greener grass, yet now there are darker skies. The darkest, my Darlings. Cling close to this cloak, lest lightning strike in multiples. Promises are only words.
19 August 2007 @ 11:35 pm
He was in the habit of taking things for granted
Granted, there wasn't much for him to take
And the only thing constant was the constant reminder he'd never change
Tight fisted with his compliments, it didn't seem to bother him
that talk is even cheaper told in bulk
And the only thing constant was the constant reminder
He'd never change
...
She was in the habit of reapplying makeup
Makeup eaten up by crocodile tears
And the only thing constant was the constant reminder she'd never change
Overtly individual - covertly traditional
She couldn't seem to make up her mind
And the only thing constant was the constant reminder she'd never change
...
Oh... Is it real? I don't know
But, I'll act as if it is
What's our deal? I don't know
But, I'll act as if it is what I think that it is
If it is, then this might just work
They were in the habit of taking things for granted
Granted, they never quite knew what they had
And the only thing constant was the constant reminder they'd never change
And so they yelled out loud:
You owe me an IOU - owe me an IOU
You owe me an IOU
Don't think that I'll forget
You owe me an IOU - owe me an IOU
You owe me an IOU
Don't think that I'll forget
I know what I should get
Yeah I know what I should get this time
Granted, there wasn't much for him to take
And the only thing constant was the constant reminder he'd never change
Tight fisted with his compliments, it didn't seem to bother him
that talk is even cheaper told in bulk
And the only thing constant was the constant reminder
He'd never change
...
She was in the habit of reapplying makeup
Makeup eaten up by crocodile tears
And the only thing constant was the constant reminder she'd never change
Overtly individual - covertly traditional
She couldn't seem to make up her mind
And the only thing constant was the constant reminder she'd never change
...
Oh... Is it real? I don't know
But, I'll act as if it is
What's our deal? I don't know
But, I'll act as if it is what I think that it is
If it is, then this might just work
They were in the habit of taking things for granted
Granted, they never quite knew what they had
And the only thing constant was the constant reminder they'd never change
And so they yelled out loud:
You owe me an IOU - owe me an IOU
You owe me an IOU
Don't think that I'll forget
You owe me an IOU - owe me an IOU
You owe me an IOU
Don't think that I'll forget
I know what I should get
Yeah I know what I should get this time
18 August 2007 @ 10:59 am
In other news, I make very bad decisions.
Actually, I don't think that's news at all.
Go me.
13 August 2007 @ 03:50 pm
12 August 2007 @ 10:15 pm
READ THINGS BY BRANDON SCOTT GORRELL.
He is neat. His poems and stories are also neat. Sometimes, he is a small hamster with a nervous facial expression. NANO Fiction, 3:AM, Zygote in My Coffee, Thieves Jargon, and The Alchemy Review agree with me, because they have published things from him. They were nice things.
Most importantly, Brandon Scott Gorrell is writing a book, and I like it a lot. It is called During My Nervous Breakdown I Want to Have a Biographer Present. When it comes out, you will want to buy it, and then you will want to read it, because it will quite likely be more popular than the Bible.
Everyone who reads my blog knows that I am awesome, and mostly you all want to be me, and now you are jealous that I have spoken to Brandon Scott Gorrell and knew about this before you did. Therefore, you should quickly go and read things by him, and then you can tell your friends, and you will be almost as cool as me. Almost. GO READ THINGS BY BRANDON SCOTT GORRELL.
11 August 2007 @ 08:23 pm
I want to write about my memories, because I am stuck in them and maybe it will help if I write them out of my head. Can I do that? Can I take them out of my head, and store them here, so I can look at them when I want to, but not have to think about them other times? I wish I could do that. I will try to do that. Most of my memories are blurry, so it is not easy. Now I am tired, and cannot think of my memories (which is strange) so I will wait until they are all I can think about, and then I will write them down. Somebody else can have them.
10 August 2007 @ 08:53 pm
I did not sleep again last night. It has been three weeks, or maybe four. I do not remember. I do not remember a lot of things. Mostly, I remember sad things, and then I am more sad, and then it is harder for me to sleep. I do not know why my sleeping pills do not make me sleep. I want to call my doctor and yell, "What the fuck?" and then slam down the phone and sell all of my pills. Then I would buy stacks of books, so at least I would have lots of things to read because I cannot sleep. I cannot sleep. I cannot sleep. I do not even remember what sleeping feels like anymore. I wonder if I am too obsessive. I want to write this with no capital letters or punctuation, but that makes me feel very tense, and like yelling and fixing all the mistakes. People keep telling me I need to, "go out of [my] comfort zone." I hate them, and I hate when they say that, but maybe I should try it.
it has been probably 504 hours since i have slept
i do not know how that is possible
i am a zombie
i feel like falling down and
i am selfish because every sentence i type starts with i
but i have spent a very long time taking care of everyone else
so maybe it is okay that i think about me
except i dont really think about me
mostly i think about you
and i think about kissing your face
i also think about touching your hair
i think about holding your hand when we drove for a long time
and about meeting your relatives and how they were nice
my life is shitty but i am not supposed to say that
so my life is okay except it is not really
everything is wrong and do you remember that time that
i took you to the bridge at night and you took pictures
and i was afraid to cross the bridge but i was happy
because you were happy and you kissed me
and there was snow and it was cold but
you were excited and adorable
now you do not talk to me
and i do not sleep
i read and watch tv and lay on my moms couch
and i think about sleeping and i think about your mouth
and also about killing myself
i wonder if it would be okay
i do not know what will happen now
i want to go on a trip
i want to just drive for a long time and think
about pavement and how
i would feel against it
if my blood would be very warm
i wonder why i did not see this coming
09 August 2007 @ 10:22 pm
Today, I moved all of my shit out of The Apartment. I saw my psychologist. I ate some food, sort of. I didn't cry. I behaved. I took my pills. I was a good girl. I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life. I want to be done.
I am told repeatedly to, "think positive," or, "think about the good things in [your] life," or lots of meaningless things like that.
Good things:
1. ...
Bad things:
1. End of relationship.
2. Loss of apartment.
3. Sleeping on mother's couch.
4. General failure of car.
5. Severe lack of money.
6. Unable to sleep.
7. Cannot function.
8. Sad all the time.
9. Cannot eat.
10. Heavily medicated.
11. Medications not working.
12. Constant therapy.
I'll stop there, but I could probably double the list. As it stands, 12-0, Bad.
I am told repeatedly to, "think positive," or, "think about the good things in [your] life," or lots of meaningless things like that.
Good things:
1. ...
Bad things:
1. End of relationship.
2. Loss of apartment.
3. Sleeping on mother's couch.
4. General failure of car.
5. Severe lack of money.
6. Unable to sleep.
7. Cannot function.
8. Sad all the time.
9. Cannot eat.
10. Heavily medicated.
11. Medications not working.
12. Constant therapy.
I'll stop there, but I could probably double the list. As it stands, 12-0, Bad.